sleeplesness

Sleeplessness

Tossing and turning. Trying to sleep, but the head is stuck on replaying the day in an endless loop and running it by the internal commentators who analyse, reflect, dissect and hypothesise all the drab dreary details, as though my life depends upon it.

“I wonder if when I said this, she thought I was actually meaning that. I wonder if he took this part the wrong way, or if she was offended by the way I phrased that, and did I remember to turn off my laptop and what will I cook for dinner tomorrow and what do I still need to do for the festival and oh shit I forgot to call this person or do that and I think I need to chase up my tax returns from back home and I wonder when the tax year is here, is it the same and did I actually send that important group email, or is it sitting as a draft still in my inbox and did I lock the car, can you zip two mummy sleeping bags together if the zip is on the same side and I really wish I hadn’t said that to so and so….”

Then there will be a loop within the loop and I will replay me slipping up and putting my foot in my mouth over and over again, until I jump to another track. But none of the tracks lead to sleep.

On these nights it is like too many editors are playing with my brain and there is no director or script. The result is a zombie-like me the next day, unable to function properly. Sleep is meant to replenish brain cells, not tear them apart.

drizzly fizzled morning

I woke up this morning with a momentary panic that I had slept through till mid-day. I remember stirring when Jono left for work at about 7:30/8am. That felt like an eternity ago. I jumped out of bed and looked at the clock. 9:00 am. Excellent. I felt well-rested and still had 3 whole hours to fill before work.

I quickly filled them in my head - I'd go for a run, come back and do a hang board session and some yoga, (then clean the house, send that way-belated fathers day present, call my friend who has had a baby and write those letters I have been wanting to write...) As I was making my breakfast, I made the mistake of looking out the window. Rain. I made the even greater mistake of opening the door. Brrrrr. I started formulating plans to go to the gym and have a spa instead (and then do all those other things!) The gym is literally next door to us, so pretty easy.

Cup of coffee and two bits of toast in hand, I make the third mistake of the morning: turning on the laptop. The toast was going down a treat - left over salmon from Jono's handy-work the night before of fresh whole wild baked salmon stuffed with mango salsa and avocado. But anyhoo, toast aside, I check a few emails, read a few blogs, sent a few emails, played around on facebook. Next thing, it was 10:300am. Too late to go to the gym and get back in time to get ready for work. The gym is only worth it, I think, if you are there for 2 hours minimum. How did that happen?!

Now, I am off to work till 9:15pm.

I am finding myself desiring that old 9-5 existence that I used to have. It seemed a lot easier to have a normal life that way. But regardless of work schedules, I think I am just never going to have enough time for all that I want to do. Some people always want more money. I think it will always be time that I am after.

Best be getting ready now to go and inspire others (those with the money) to have a life.

knot tying

I am getting married. It seems so weird and strange, written and spoken. I am trying to say it over and over again, not just because I am excited about it, but so that maybe it will start to sound less weird. It just seems so grown up. But beautiful and perfect. It was not a particularly momentus or romantic proposal, and it happened right in the middle of my 7 day work week from hell (which I shall no doubt discuss as well!) We were just lying on the floor mucking around and then the mood just shifted and I asked Jono what he was thinking. That was it. So, we might have to stage a more romantic evening sometime when we both have a couple of days and evening off together. This is extremely rare these days. But, romance (or lack of) aside, I could not make my feet touch the ground while trying to walk to work the next day, and I just had this ridiculous smile on my face that I could not wipe off, even when dealing with annoying customers. Actually, I think I had only nice customers that day! I don't know if that was directly related to my head space and perception or not.

But, the whole marriage and knot tying thing is interesting. I have never been that sort of person that always wanted to get married, or that saw marriage as an essential step in life. There have been occasions where I have been a little turned off by the institution of marriage or the way it gets made in to something that is incredibly stressful and expensive but cheap and cliche at the same time. But, the fact is, I am absolutely in love and I could not imagine spending my life with anyone else, so why not make a statement and celebrate that?

But it still sounds weird. I am about to turn 30, and that seems weird enough, but I am also now getting MARRIED. Wow. I do struggle with the head trip of it all. I know that it won't change me, but I do think these things change the way other people see you.

I wonder what kind of knot we will tie. Definitely not a stopper knot, as we are only just starting. We have already hitched up, so we won't need a hitcher. Some kind of bend would be appropriate, as it is a turning point in our lives. Maybe the true lovers knot. Wikipedia tells me legend has it that the Dutch sailors tied this knot to remind them of their loved ones during their ocean voyages in the 16th century. The two intertwining overhand knots symbolize two intertwined lovers. The knot is sometimes used by goldsmiths to make a romantic piece of jewelry.

Like true love, the simplicity is deceptive, as this knot is difficult to tie correctly.

last post explained

So that last post did not really make much sense.

I am going to attempt to elaborate on it, but I suspect it was a still-born epiphany. That is, an epiphany that was wanting to happen but I just did not give it the time, the break that it needed to burst out. Again, I digress. But maybe that is ok. I guess that is what I set this blog up for - digressions. So often, we have to communicate within limitations and for very specific purposes. New ideas are not discovered and communicated by simply sticking to a formula and staying with what has been proven and tried and tested. We need to be able to explore beyond the margins and between the lines sometimes.

So yeah, regarding reflections and projections of perfection and perception - WHAT THE HELL WAS I ON ABOUT?! tehehe. I really don't know, the moment has passed. But hows about I create a new one.

I think that generally, as a culture, we put more effort into projecting then we do into reflecting. I think in a perfect world, we are all mirror images of each other (like they say), because if that is so, we would all be reflecting and projecting in equal amounts. If a mirror only projected but did not reflect, we would be left staring into a meaningless empty but endless void. If none of us ever reflected, we would empty, and have nothing to project.

Yeah! That makes sense. To me, atleast. Ok, I am laying this one to rest now!

be strong, be silly

I saw these mirrors in a shopfront in Courteny and couldn't help snapping them up for myself and my neglected of late blog.

It got me thinking about reflections and projections of perception and perfection, (and how they all rhyme!) And how I am out of time, but I want to keep this blog thing rolling, so thought I'd throw in a few quick sentences. I am working like crazy atm, and mid way through a 7-day stint of work. So I will be back to complete this entry soon!